Fences

I have been thinking about fences lately.  Fences can be something you see and something you don't see (invisible).  They mark a line, set a boundary, protect, keep something safe, and show what belongs to someone.

We can find physical fences all over.  But it is interesting to notice other types of fences, such as the lines on a football field, crosswalk, parking spaces, lines on the freeway, bicycle lanes.

Invisible fences can't be seen and are somewhat hard to know where they exist and where they don't.  The invisible fence for dogs can't be seen, but once a dog steps over the invisible fence there is a sound or physical sensation that dogs don't like that prevents them from crossing the invisible fence.  This is suppose to keep the dog in his yard and prevent unwanted animals from entering the dogs yard.

I think personal boundaries are like invisible fences.  They are not necessarily seen by others but are felt inside us.  When they are crossed, our personal warning system is triggered and we are alerted.  It's that feeling of oooh, that doesn't feel fun or good anymore.  For me, it causes me to ask myself, Wow!  What just happened to me?  I highly recommend paying attention to your personal warning system.  It can alert you to danger, harm, or a change in something that once felt good.

It is sometimes hard to recognize what belongs in someone yard or belongs in our yards - such as weeds, unwelcome treatment, or words .  If we all understand that each one of us belongs to ourselves, including our words and actions, we can make safer more empowering choices about what we let in our yard and what we don't.  Unfortunately, the reality is that although we do belong to ourselves, there are some things that are not always our choice.  Drats!

How can we tell others they have crossed over our invisible fence?

1. First, stay calm
2. Speak up.  You can say things like:  Ouch! Hey! Stop than!  I don't like that! That hurt my feelings or does not feel good.  Stop! No thank you!  All said firmly and confidently.
3. Physically put up your invisible fence so others can see.  I do this by stretching my arms down or out in front of me.  Then, I flex one or both my hands up, stretching my fingers out, and spreading my fingers out.  This looks like a fence to me or someone trying to stop traffic  I can show my invisible fence when I say stop that!  
4. Go tell someone.  It can be helpful to get a reality check from someone you trust.  Get validation, encouragement, or brainstorm ways to handle the situation.  Talking about things can help you discover solutions where otherwise you might have felt trapped or stuck.  Keep in mind, this is not to be confused with complaining or gossiping.
5. Persist in getting help with your situation.  Sometimes others can be too busy to really help you.  So keep persisting in getting help until you are satisfied.
6. Always tell the whole story.  It is easier to help someone when they know the whole story.
7. Know what your choices are and what is NOT your choice.  Once we understand what is our choice or in our yards to take care of, we can see more clearly and make better decisions.  
8. Problems can be solved better when they are not kept secret.  

Thoughts on Retaliation

The song I posted about in a prior post "Pumped Up Kicks" has me thinking about retaliation. I think we all know what it is like to want to get even.

Here is an example where I thought retaliation was in fun and harmless.  There were several girls at a sleep over.  They were anxiously waiting for a package of nail polish to be delivered for one of their fun activities.  The brother in the house received the package and hid it from the girls - causally taunting them about the boxes arrival and where it was.  The girls found the package.  Laughing they warned the brother to sleep with one eye opened.  Later that night, the girls went in while he was sleeping and painted one of his finger nails.  I think this kind of retaliation was harmless and was in fun.

I certainly can understand the desire for retaliation or revenge.  In general, I don't think retaliation and revenge are acceptable ways to deal with unkind behavior.  As a parent and someone who has seen bullying behavior and was bullied, I can understand how one might feel.  I have spent time training myself so I could teach my son ways to choose the higher road when he encounters life's random acts of unkindness.

From a child being taunted on the playground to the office worker who is snubbed and mocked on a daily basis, all show that people frequently take out their pain and anger on others, even those who had nothing to do with the original stressful incident.  The bullied person may go home and kick the cat or yell at a loved one.  Revenge and retaliation can be directed anywhere - inanimate things, others, and animals.

I believe we are capable of rising above without minimizing our experience and feelings, sacrificing our self esteem or our social status  Here are just a few ideas:

1. You can not take it personal by seeing the person as hurting
2. Leave the situation and/or stay away from the person
3. Share your experience with someone you trust, maybe ask for suggestions on what to do
4. Recognize that random acts of unkindness, retaliation and revenge may have nothing to do with you
5. Use humor to diffuse the situation
6. Try to imagine the situation from the other persons perspective
7. Ask ourselves is the aftermath of our revenge worth it?
8. Do we feel better or worse if we acted in retaliation?

"He who seeks revenge should remember to dig two graves."  - Chinese proverb

Hero - Superchick [w/lyrics]

In my research in music, my niece pointed me to this song.

AC-CENT-TCHU-ATE THE POSITIVE

Can music change our outlook, mood, & have an influence on our actions?  I think so. I frequently use music to help lift my spirit & encourage me.  Sometimes music can really express what I am feeling or experiencing.  I really love all kinds of music.

When I hear music I not only focus on the sound, but also the words. Last year, I heard a catchy tune on an office radio.  It really had me kinda beep-bopping to the catchy sound. When I could not really hear what they were singing about, I looked up the lyrics.  I was shocked!!  "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster the People

I don't know what the motive behind writing or singing a song like this.  With all the violence in the media these days, I wonder if this is the kind of music I want to listen to.

I like this one better!  "Accentuate the Positive"  by The Andrews Sisters & Bing Crosby

Bullying in the Movies

Bully scenes frequently show up in movies and TV shows, which most often brings about laughter from the audience and the bystanders.  My caveat is -  I have only seen a few of these movies and when I did, I recall being incredibly bothered by the bully scenes.  I wonder why we find entertainment in this types of behavior.  Does what we watch effect out behavior & desensitize us towards others and/or does it create more awareness? 

Here is a list of a few movies that have bully scenes

1. Forrest Gump 
2. Dumbo 
3. Ben X 
4. The Sixth Sense 
5. Karate Kid 
6. The Outsiders 
7. Odd Girl Out 
8. Mean Girls 
9. Mean Creek 
10. Ice Princess 
11. Just One of the Guys 
12. My Bodyguard 
13. Speak 
14. Hope Floats 

How are you going to take a stand against bullying?  

Bully Buster

When I think of the word bully, I think of various things, such as, personal safety, boundaries, verbal & physical attacks, emotional and physical safety, cyber & text bulling, rape, abduction, abuse, assault, & suicide.  When I watch the news or read the paper, I see a lot of violence ranging from snubbing & gossip, to outright killing people of all ages & suicide.  I feel it is growing at an alarming rate in our society. 

From my own personal experience, I believe people can get bullied when they were perceived as different.  Those differences can be:

• seeming weaker, less popular, knowledgeable, & less confident than others
• look different:  wearing glasses, braces, over weight, color, deformity
• not being able to afford cool stuff that others have
• having unique interests or talents
• belong to a different social group, such as lesbian, gay, people with disabilities.

So why do people bully others?  In my research to answer this question,  I discovered that contrary to what many think, bullies are loners and have a low self esteem;  bullies are more likely to have an average and above average self esteem and make friends easily. 

In fact, the Health Resources and Services Administration reports that “children and youth who bully usually have at least a small group of friends who support or encourage their bullying.”

Here are the TOP 5 reasons why bullies bully others:

• They have a strong desire to exercise power & control over another
• They lack empathy for others and some get pleasure out of seeing anther's pain
• They get rewarded for bullying by now having lunch money, attention, popularity
• Parts of their brain that allows them to self-regulate their emotions are inactive
• Typically come from families that display little warmth and affection

Lesser reasons were:

• feel poorly about them selves
• retaliation
• low self esteem

So I ask myself what things are we doing in our culture that are enabling this behavior.  We look the other way because we don't want to get involved, sometimes because of fear -  minding our own business!?!?   If we are all not part of the solution, aren't we in essence saying we are part of the problem? 

When I interviewed people about bullying, almost everyone could recall at least one incident where they personally experienced some sort of bulling.  Some even had life long suffering from those incidents - even suicide or jail. 

I know change does not happen over night.  So what are some ways we can personally take a more active roll in being a bully buster?  I have a few ideas:

• stop laughing when is mean spirited talk and activity going on. Speak up.
• don't be an audience for the bully
• be a friend, sit with them, include them, listen - It doesn't have to be huge
• tell someone in authority, & if that doesn't work, keep telling! 
• help someone get away from the bully
• be an good example
• be kind
• participate in anti-bully activities
• engage in activities to increase your own self confidence & personal power

My hope and plea is that we start being more than a bystander and become the change we want to see.  The next person bullied could be you, me, your child or sibling.

One of my FAVORITE Organizations!

This is a non-profit organization that I really love!  They inspire me to hone my own skills and helped me learn to teach my son life skills.  They focus on teaching people of all ages how to use their own power to become safer.