Making Changes

Reading and hearing stories about personal safety and bullies has caused me to recall my own personal bullying experiences as a kid and adult.  Not only do I have stories about witnessing bullying, I also have experienced being bullied.  When I was in the 4th grade, we moved to a new city.  I started a new school in 5th grade.  There were two girls in our new neighborhood I tried to be friends with.  These two girls played pranks and random acts of unkindness toward me for quite some time before I decided to make a dramatic change.

The one I recall the most was the time they really did not want me to play with them.  So, they had up'ed the anti by doing more mean things to hurt my feelings, in an effort to cause me to leave.  The one that cinched it for me and changed my life forever with them was when they sang the Carole King song "I Feel The Earth Move" at me chasing me home.  They changed some of the words in the song to be personal attacks at me, my looks, and my character.  To this day, I can listen to that song and be taken immediately to that horrible experience with those girls.  Not a great memory.  

Some of the things I do to to refocus myself when I hear that song, is to turn it off or change the words to be super powerful and positive words I want to think on.  

After that experience, I made a decision to limit my time with them and look for other friends.  They did not have the friend qualities I admired or wanted to be influenced or hurt by anymore.  I remember entering my sophomore year of high school with a fresh new outlook to make new friends - and that I did.

Now, I can look back and see I was using my walk away power in a very powerful way - choosing me and what was good for me.  We all want to be liked and have a sense of belonging.  Making these kinds of changes can be the most powerful thing you do for yourself.  High school can be a very challenging time for kids.

Recently I was contacted from someone that was in my graduating high school class.  Through them trying to remember and put me in their memory of who I hung with, they asked me if I was friends with these same  two gals who had bullied me from 5th grade to ninth grade.  I choose to say no, and acknowledge that I knew who they were.  Sometimes when someone hurts us deeply, we may want to demonize them.  I choose not to and just leave my comments about knowing them as minimal.  No need to taint her experience or memory with the girls.

It is interesting how these types of experiences can be triggered or re-surface at the most uncanny times.  I'm writing a blog on personal safety and bullying. It can be hard to choose the higher road.  What do I mean by this?  I choose to bless and release, meaning I don't want to demonize them or be a prisoner to that bad experience.  To do that means I did not retaliate or gossip about them.  When the memory or names come up in my life, I just shoot a quick prayer of blessing on their lives & practice gratitude for how that experience changed me for the better into a stronger person.  It seems to have the power to keep me from resentment.

Here is something I'd like to share with you.  THINK before you speak!  Your words have the power to build others up or tear them down. Your words can leave lasting marks in someones life.  

T - Is it TRUE

H - It is HELPFUL

I - Is it INSPIRING

N - It is NECESSARY

K - Is it KIND

Safety in Schools

I've been researching stories of bullying in public school.  The things I notice is that bullying in school is a huge problem and many kids end their life due to the incredible emotional distress they've experienced.  Many talk about depression, anxiety, physical symptoms like headaches and stomach aches.  I watched several videos from victims and victims families of bullying.  Somehow, it seems like bullying behavior was just something that we all experience as kids, kinda like a write of passage. I believe it has now grown at an epidemic rate now that there is texting, cell phones, internet, and school over crowding.

Many videos show people just standing around watching and doing nothing.  Recently I went into a gym locker room and there was a sign on the wall stating "NO PICTURE TAKING".  I thought, what?  Then I realized our privacy can be so violated in public places with the use of technology, cell phones, video taking and posting them on the internet.

I watched this one where parents are suing the school due to not doing enough before and after the attacks.  

I've read about students fighting back in a bullying incident only to be punished the same as the perpetrator.  Meaning both suspended for the same amount of time.  Or a mild slap on the hand.  I have mixed opinions about fighting back and consequences for this type of behavior.  I do however, believe we must raise the standard of conduct, consequences, and help towards this type of behavior.  There is legislature out there on bullying and anti-bullying in an effort to help keep our schools safe.  Here is a link to school security and the legislature.

http://www.schoolsecurity.org/trends/bullying.html

I think these are great steps towards the bullying problem.  One way we can help our loved ones be safer and self advocate for themselves is to first listen to them and teach them life skills that will help them live happy safer lives.  If your loved once comes home and shares a story about being bullied, take action and start advocating for them and help them self advocate.

Below is a link to some teaching kits to help you with teaching life safety skills.

http://www.kidpower.org/store/teaching-kit/

Pivot and Turn or Walk Away Power

I heard this phrase while working with people with disabilities.  They use this technique when a person is doing something that is annoying or inappropriate, but not harmful.  They don't acknowledge the behavior, but pivot and turn away from the person and behavior, but staying close and nearby.




Kidpower.org teachs something similar called the walk away power.  Anyone of any age can use either one of these techniques.  To me, they are very similar in principle.  When someone is doing something to bother you, such as poking or touching you, you can just move away from the person.  Not only can children use this, but adults can too.

There are times it is more powerful to speak up and use conflict resolution and other times it is better to just walk away calmly and confidently.  Sometimes speaking up can create a more escalated situation and someone may get hurt.

Should I get Involved?

I have heard well meaning adults say this on many occasions.  "I don't get involved when my children have relationship problems because I believe they should just work it out on their own." I thought long and hard about this and decided I personally did not support this approach to working with young people.

The reason I chose not to practice this style of care giving was because I believe that until a child or young person has the skills to manage problems on their own, they need adult coaching and supervision.  They weren't born knowing how to deal with people issues.  I would not leave a child on their own at a lake, fire pit, with kitchen knives, with the car or boat.  Why, because they could get hurt.

Most adults would not stand by and do nothing if they saw a child running out in the street, drinking glue, or throwing rocks at cars from a bridge.  Why? Because their behavior is destructive and someone could get hurt. So I ask, why would adults want to leave children on their own to work out problems with people?  I believe that as adults, we are responsible to teach our young people to care, show respect and compassion towards others.

I believe that we can model this to all ages of people by being a good example, modeling good leadership, treating people with respect, asking questions, exploring options, and helping with conflict resolution.

Honor Your Humanity

A  - Acknowledge your feelings

A - Allow time to process

A - Ask, "What am I committed to"?

A - Act on your commitments

Unique Talents Can Create Bridges

"Research by the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine published an article in September 2012 showing that children of autism spectrum disorders are far more likely to be bullied than non-autistic peers. Individuals with autism spectrum disorders can become a greater target because of the differences. They typically have difficulty in communicating, formulating relationships, aren't very good at picking up on things like sarcasm and humor, and may not realize they are being harassed.  

The children at greatest risk, it turns out, appear to be those who also hold the most promise for leading an independent life. The researchers found that the risk of being bullied was greatest for high-functioning children who end up not in special education programs, but in mainstream classes, where their quirks and unusual mannerisms stand out and they are more exposed to bullies."

My son falls in this category.  I think as a mother watching him take flight into the world has my mothering protecting instinct on high alert.

I have done many things to help my son who has autism fit into the mainstream of public school and become resilient to life's unkindness and being bullied. Not only can individuals with autism be targets of bullies, they also usually have very unique interests and talents. I tried to encourage him to pursue his interests and talents no matter what others thought.

My son has had an uncanny knack for playing an instrument.  He can play about 6 instruments.  One of which is the sousaphone (a type of tuba).  In middle school, his music instructor gave him a tuba to play.  He was shocked at my son's natural abilities.  He played it as if he had been playing it for years.  Recognizing his talent, was a huge step or bridge in connecting him with his peers.

In middle school, my son also showed interest in riding a unicycle.  He became very proficient and can ride three sizes, including a 5 foot unicycle.  He can even do tricks like jumping curbs on his unicycle.  He would ride his unicycle daily to and from school every day for 6 years, rain or snow.  Since he is so structured and routine orientated, he rode the same route every day at the same time.  The daily drivers on his route only knew him as the boy riding the unicycle.  Later I would hear that drivers would look for him on their way to and from work.

One summer, he asked his band instructor if he learned to play the sousaphone could he ride it when they played during football games.  His instructor agreed.  So, diligently he practiced getting up on the unicycle with the sousaphone.  Eventually he was able to ride with it and play it at the same time.  He played and rode his unicycle during football game half time shows for three years in high school.

Fortunately his talents and interests were embraced by his peers which helped him have a greater sense of belonging and connection while at school. Many kids thought it was cool and wanted him to teach them to ride.  Not all interests and talents are embraced by students at school and can be seen as different which can cause them to be ostracized and bullied.

Now that he is out of high school and transitioning into life more and more, I must admit, I never stop worrying and wanting to protect and advocate for him.  I certainly don't have to advocate for him like I used to, but I still  have a strong desire to protect him.  He recently passed his railroad conductors license and is heading off to schooling in another state to be a railroad engineer.  Ultimately he wants to travel and work on the railroad driving trains.  I am excited and filled with mixed emotions as I see him pursue his dream and go on the road.

Every person has gifts and talents to be shared with the world.  May we all embrace the differences in others and help be a bridge to their success.

Compliments

The power of taking in compliments is amazing.  Think of a time when someone gave you a compliment.  How did that make you feel?  How did you take in the compliment?  Did you tell the giver of the compliment, no that is not .......  minimizing the compliment you just received?  Or did you actually receive the compliment and let it float you through your day?  One thing I noticed and try to practice, especially when I'm having a crummy day, is to look for the good in others and tell them. This always lifts my spirits and helps me forget all the crummy things in my day.

One way we can build stronger self confidence is to actually take in the compliments others give us.  You can do this by taking your hands and placing them over your heart and saying thank you!  Really feeling the glow of the compliment deep inside you.  Try it.  :-)

Why not share the love with others by giving compliments and making someone's heart smile.  By practicing giving compliments, you are making a positive difference in another's life.  Bonus, you naturally feel good by giving compliments.