Hero - Superchick [w/lyrics]

In my research in music, my niece pointed me to this song.

AC-CENT-TCHU-ATE THE POSITIVE

Can music change our outlook, mood, & have an influence on our actions?  I think so. I frequently use music to help lift my spirit & encourage me.  Sometimes music can really express what I am feeling or experiencing.  I really love all kinds of music.

When I hear music I not only focus on the sound, but also the words. Last year, I heard a catchy tune on an office radio.  It really had me kinda beep-bopping to the catchy sound. When I could not really hear what they were singing about, I looked up the lyrics.  I was shocked!!  "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster the People

I don't know what the motive behind writing or singing a song like this.  With all the violence in the media these days, I wonder if this is the kind of music I want to listen to.

I like this one better!  "Accentuate the Positive"  by The Andrews Sisters & Bing Crosby

Bullying in the Movies

Bully scenes frequently show up in movies and TV shows, which most often brings about laughter from the audience and the bystanders.  My caveat is -  I have only seen a few of these movies and when I did, I recall being incredibly bothered by the bully scenes.  I wonder why we find entertainment in this types of behavior.  Does what we watch effect out behavior & desensitize us towards others and/or does it create more awareness? 

Here is a list of a few movies that have bully scenes

1. Forrest Gump 
2. Dumbo 
3. Ben X 
4. The Sixth Sense 
5. Karate Kid 
6. The Outsiders 
7. Odd Girl Out 
8. Mean Girls 
9. Mean Creek 
10. Ice Princess 
11. Just One of the Guys 
12. My Bodyguard 
13. Speak 
14. Hope Floats 

How are you going to take a stand against bullying?  

Bully Buster

When I think of the word bully, I think of various things, such as, personal safety, boundaries, verbal & physical attacks, emotional and physical safety, cyber & text bulling, rape, abduction, abuse, assault, & suicide.  When I watch the news or read the paper, I see a lot of violence ranging from snubbing & gossip, to outright killing people of all ages & suicide.  I feel it is growing at an alarming rate in our society. 

From my own personal experience, I believe people can get bullied when they were perceived as different.  Those differences can be:

• seeming weaker, less popular, knowledgeable, & less confident than others
• look different:  wearing glasses, braces, over weight, color, deformity
• not being able to afford cool stuff that others have
• having unique interests or talents
• belong to a different social group, such as lesbian, gay, people with disabilities.

So why do people bully others?  In my research to answer this question,  I discovered that contrary to what many think, bullies are loners and have a low self esteem;  bullies are more likely to have an average and above average self esteem and make friends easily. 

In fact, the Health Resources and Services Administration reports that “children and youth who bully usually have at least a small group of friends who support or encourage their bullying.”

Here are the TOP 5 reasons why bullies bully others:

• They have a strong desire to exercise power & control over another
• They lack empathy for others and some get pleasure out of seeing anther's pain
• They get rewarded for bullying by now having lunch money, attention, popularity
• Parts of their brain that allows them to self-regulate their emotions are inactive
• Typically come from families that display little warmth and affection

Lesser reasons were:

• feel poorly about them selves
• retaliation
• low self esteem

So I ask myself what things are we doing in our culture that are enabling this behavior.  We look the other way because we don't want to get involved, sometimes because of fear -  minding our own business!?!?   If we are all not part of the solution, aren't we in essence saying we are part of the problem? 

When I interviewed people about bullying, almost everyone could recall at least one incident where they personally experienced some sort of bulling.  Some even had life long suffering from those incidents - even suicide or jail. 

I know change does not happen over night.  So what are some ways we can personally take a more active roll in being a bully buster?  I have a few ideas:

• stop laughing when is mean spirited talk and activity going on. Speak up.
• don't be an audience for the bully
• be a friend, sit with them, include them, listen - It doesn't have to be huge
• tell someone in authority, & if that doesn't work, keep telling! 
• help someone get away from the bully
• be an good example
• be kind
• participate in anti-bully activities
• engage in activities to increase your own self confidence & personal power

My hope and plea is that we start being more than a bystander and become the change we want to see.  The next person bullied could be you, me, your child or sibling.

One of my FAVORITE Organizations!

This is a non-profit organization that I really love!  They inspire me to hone my own skills and helped me learn to teach my son life skills.  They focus on teaching people of all ages how to use their own power to become safer.

The Rest of the Story

I wanted to continue the story of the lady, because I only told part her story. Two days later, I bumped into the same lady on the MAX.  I asked how was school going.  She went on to tell me how she was still slightly bothered by the interaction with her instructor and had stopped by her office to talk to her.

She realized she had a few choices.  One -  take it personally; 2 - clarify this behavior with the instructor & express how she felt, accessing her personal power; 3 - recognizing the instructor may be having a bad day and use her trash can and use her walk away power.

She actually chose ask the instructor if she was OK yesterday.  The instructor said yes, and then changed her answer to no.  She further elaborated that she was having a reaction to some new medication and not feeling well yesterday. Oh, said my new friend, I thought something might be wrong because I felt like you were snapping at me, grabbing my paper from me, and not real interested in my work.  The instructor was apologetic and said she was sorry; then proceeded to ask if she needed any more help with the homework.  

I liked the ending to the story because this woman choose to use her personal power to acknowledge she still had feelings about the interaction, clarify, and then stand in her personal power and choice.

I haven't seen this woman since, but I often think about her and how this was a reminder to Acknowledge your feelings, act on your Commitment or ask what you are Committed to, and take Time to process.  ACT!

They come in all sizes & ages

Recently, I met a woman in her late 40's while waiting for the MAX.  We instantly made a connection as she shared about an incident she had at school.  We had many things in common. We were similar ages, both going back to school to change careers, & recently moved to Portland from a rural area.

I want to share her story because it is an example to me that shows that it doesn't matter what age & sized you are, you can experience things that can give you that "Uh Oh" feeling.  The "uh oh" feeling I refer to is that internal warning you get when somethings seems off or wrong.  Some people call it your internal guide, your intuition....It sometimes causes us to doubt ourselves or make us go quiet.  I recommend listening to your "uh oh" feeling & sharing your story with someone you trust.

Well, here is her story.  She shared that she was really weak in math skills and had homework from her math class.  The instructions were to solve the problems & put the problems & answers on index cards for future reference.  Diligently, she did the homework and felt unsure of her work.  She arrived early to class so that she could ask the instructor to review her work, before she transferred her work to index cards.

Approaching the instructor, she asked her if she had a few extra minutes before class to review her work to see if she was doing it correctly, then she was going to transfer her work to index cards. The instructor looked at her and said yes, then immediately she grabbed her paper and snapped, "you need to have your work on index cards!"  Then glanced down at her work for a split second and looked back at her and said yes, your work is correct, now go put this on index cards.

This middle aged woman I just met, told me she felt stunned & like a 6 year old child in grade school.  She walked away from that instructor saying under her breath, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch!  I like her story because it showed me that bullies can show up and come into out lives at any age.  In my opinion, the instructor was very unprofessional, demeaning & shaming to her.  When she was saying to herself "ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch", she was acknowledging something painful had just happened to her & this was a way she was hitting her reset button.  I also liked the fact that she was willing to share her story with me & I could encourage her. 

Many times, when we receive a demeaning shameful attack, we can get stuck and feel badly about ourselves.  This woman did not.  I liked the fact that she could tell the difference between she was bad verses this was a bad experience.

I'd like to hear some of the strategies you use when you have the "uh oh" feeling triggered & how you re-center yourself.  Please e-mail them to me. 

Stick & Stones May Break Your Bones, But Names Will Never Hurt Me

I walked along side my son as we entered the school.  As we entered the doors, two girls were approaching us.  As they approached us, I heard one to the girls say pretty loudly, "loser"!  I asked my son if he knew the girls.  He said yes, they don't like me. 

My knee jerk gut reaction to this comment had my mother bear instincts ignited & in full swing in my head.  I wanted to put those girls in their place, talk to them, give them a piece of my mind, take them down a notch, give them a parental kindness lecture.... I'm sure you get the picture.  I did not act on any of those thoughts - thank goodness.  See, my intention, for many years, has been to acknowledge my feelings, be loving in my words and actions, and act on my commitments. 

I was saddened over the unkindness towards my son and was concerned how these types of unkind acts could impact his self worth, confidence, and future success in life.  My son, from the outside, looks typical, and on the inside he is wired very uniquely.  He has Asperger's Syndrome, which is a high functioning form of Autism.  (This is not the medical definition.)  Most of his Asperger traits show up in the social/relational area. 

After that incident, I realized I did not know how to coach my son on how to handle bullying, teasing, and random acts of unkindness.  I did not want to teach him to retaliate with violence or become a victim of others cruelty.  I could recall memories from my childhood of kids chanting sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me.  From my own personal experience, I can say this method does not work very well, because words can and do hurt. 

That desire to support my son and teach him life skills meant that I had to learn the skills so that I could teach him.  That desire has lead me on a journey that has not only changed my life, created a passion, & helped me prepare him for life.

One of the first thing I learned and taught him was the trash can technique.  We can choose what we take into our hearts and what we don't.  To do this, I illustrated with a piece of garbage.  Would you pick up the piece of garbage and eat it?  He said NO Mom, that's gross!  I asked him what do you do with garbage.  He said, throw it out in the trash can. I said great!  We can do the same thing when people say unkind, mean words or tease us.  We can throw out their words in our trash can.  So, I showed him how he can have a personal trash can with him every day. 

I learned two types of trash cans techniques to teach him.  One size I used when he was younger and one size when he was older.  The first one is where you take your hand and put it on your hip, creating a hole.  The hole is your trash can.  Take your free hand and pretend to catch the unkind words and throw them in your trash can.  Then, take your hand and put it on your heart and say quietly to yourself (or out loud) something you like about yourself.  This is take and replace. Take the garbage and put it where it belongs and replace it with something good in your heart. 

As he got older, I modified the trash can to be is hand clenched into a fist, with his thumb on top.  The thumb on top was the trash can lid.  We can take the unkind words & actions, stuff them in our hand trash can, put the lid on it, and chuck them over our shoulder.  Then replace the unkind words by saying something nice to ourselves. 

This technique has supported both he and I.  I hope this trash can technique supports you too!